DEAR DICTATOR

Dear Dictator Trump,

Now that you have investigated the possibility of granting yourself a pardon (if all else fails in covering-up the fact that you are a money-laundering treasonous bastard), I believe it would also greatly benefit your illegitimate Presidency and eventual notoriety in American history books if you will double-down & go even further…

in for a penny, in for a billion dollars, so to speak.

As you are now completely aware, under the auspices of the US Constitution there is a great deal of historical precedent for an unlimited use of Presidential Pardons. Past presidents have seen fit to pardon everyone and everything, ranging from: convicted traitors; foreign and domestic spies; self-avowed terrorists; mass murderers; polygamists; war criminals; assassins; and child molesters, as well as granting pardons for crimes committed by members of their own family.

[So tell Don Jr. and Jared to rest easy – you’ve got their backs.]

And after all, if the inherent power(s) of your public office are not fully exploited, then what’s a dictatorship good for?

To that end, I strongly suggest that you take the following immediate steps:

a. Initiate ASL-only standard news conferences during the rest of your administration.

b. Pardon Vladimir Putin and his entire Russian Administration for any and all actions they took to interfere in the 2016 US Presidential election. [Precedents: Johnson & Grant – all former Confederate soldiers; Ford & Carter – all Vietnam draft dodgers]

c. Formally adopt Putin as your long-lost Russian son, and announce as a joint ‘quid pro quo’ the lifting of all US/Russian sanctions against each other’s respective countries.

d. Hire Putin as another Family/Presidential Counselor & allow him to have a US citizenship and passport, a Top Secret security clearance, and unlimited access to all US cyber-security facilities.

e. Then (to show your magnificent & munificent bi-partisanship) grant a full pardon to Hillary Clinton for destroying those 30,000 emails that were potential evidence against her, and another to Bill Clinton for attempted bribery of then-US Attorney General Loretta Lynch at the Phoenix airport. [And to be thoroughly magnanimous, add one for Lynch and another for Rosie O’Donnell.]

f. Grant full clemency to O.J. Simpson & allow him to skip his ongoing parole requirements.

g. Posthumously pardon former German Chancellor Adolph Hitler for any WWII war crimes and/or Crimes Against Humanity he may have committed in Nazi Germany.

h. Posthumously pardon Judas Iscariot for any part he may have played in the arrest, trial and conviction of a Nazarene named Jesus, from Bethlehem, Palestine.

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